Starman – Atomic Rulers (Review)
Finally, our journey through the Starman saga is coming to a close, as we come to the last of the films made by editing episodes of the Super Giant serials of the 1950s. This one, Atomic Rulers, is the worst of the lot, if that is believable. Not only is it a Starman movie, but he doesn’t even fight aliens, but humans from the fictional country of Magolia (not Magnolia or Mongolia, though either would have sounded better). Basically it is on par with the “Superman vs. random guy” stories where “why is this even a challenge?” repeats in your head as you read. But nevertheless we must press on to complete the series and have closure.
Atomic testing on Earth is poisoning the atmosphere. Not only is it poisoning Earth, but radiation is escaping into space, where is it poisoning space’s atmosphere (okaaay…), and may eventually contaminate the Emerald Planet in the Moffit Galaxy. Once again, Earth is emitting some sort of super radiation that can travel billions of light years instantly and is immune to all attempts to stop it. Or something. Maybe the Emerald Council is just hyperparanoid. If they ever found out how much radiation is really in space, they’d probably die in convulsing fits, spewing foamy saliva all over the meeting at the Emerald Table. But since they don’t, they send Starman again, as he is the only member of the council that does any work besides waving his hand randomly.
Starman stops a plane from crashing during a thunderstorm. Unfortunately, it isn’t crashing due to a monster on the wing, because that would have been cool. Instead, Starman detects an atomic device onboard. It turns out to be carried by a member of the Magolia Economics team named Stedanko (now that’s a cool name!), who is part of the plan to take over the world by sneaking nukes into every country on Earth. Since airport screeners were just as ineffective in the late fifties as they are now, no one even hassles him. Starman confronts Stedanko after he exits the plane and is in his car. They drive to a field and Starman fights Stedanko and the driver, who looks like a lounge singer reject. During the fight, some annoying children who are part of Japan’s obsession with fitting annoying children into every terrible Science Fiction movie ever made show up and steal the suitcase the nuclear device is in, and a gun one of the Magolia goons had. The Magolians manage to capture one of the kids and find out all of the children live at an orphanage. The children start playing with the gun, but before one of them becomes a bad After School Special, Starman shows up and takes the gun, as well at the suitcase. We are also introduced to a nun who runs the school, and Detective Okamoro and Ikea’s sister Reiko. Who is Ikea? They never say. They determine that Hiroshi is the child who was kidnapped.
In the Secret Headquarters of the Magolians, Supreme Leader Muntadee explains the plan for conquering Earth via nuclear blackmail, starting with Japan. Hiroshi escapes from Stedanko long enough to hide in a barrel and fall down a hill, but is quickly recaptured. This is completely pointless and is just padding. Starman finds out where the boy is by asking the reject Lounge Singer, who is being punished for failing (while Stedanko goes free? Something is amiss). Lounge Singer is instead killed by a hail of gunfire as Starman again fails to protect people. But it marks the beginning of another long long long long Starman battle. At least this one has swordplay, so it is miles above other Starman prancefests in quality. Starman flies to the train Hiroshi is on, and rescues him. But Hiroshi reveals he told about the orphanage, and some Magolian goons have arrived to steal the nuclear device Starman hid there for safekeeping, and kidnapped Reiko to boot. Starman hijacks a Magolian car so they will take him to the secret base, but instead some Magolians kill the drivers of the car and frame Starman. Okamoro gets the case, and doesn’t believe Starman is from outer space. Starman just breaks out of jail, Det. Okamoro goes by the orphanage and some Magolian goons are there searching for something. They shoot Okamoro but don’t kill him for some reason, the immediately leave. This makes zero sense, but it’s Starman.
Muntadee is hosting a party, he is masquerading as the Ambassador from Magolia for Japan. The annoying orphans decide to check the Embassy while Starman follows a helicopter to the Secret Magolian base. While in the base, he overhears some researchers wearing ridiculous glass helmets with metal coils that look like horns explain that they have just finished creating a device required to arm the nuclear weapons. The very nuclear weapons they are going to use to threaten Japan tonight. Starman just walks up and takes the device. Yes, the plot is foiled that easily. The scientists try to fight him, but they are all scientists and thus pushovers. Even guns hidden behind Picasso paintings cannot stop Starman! There are some security guards, but they mostly let the scientists do all the fighting. Starman heads toward the embassy where the annoying orphans have just been captured. Starman exposes the Magolians as invaders, and shows off the device he grabbed from the base. Muntadee uses a view screen to show Reiko trapped in a pit being harassed by two plastic crocodiles and a rubber snake, so is in great danger. If Starman doesn’t return the device soon, she will be killed (yet by a two bladed head chopping device, so why was she even being harassed by lizards in the first place???)
Starman shows that the Emerald Planet does negotiate with terrorists and returns the device, only to be trapped in a box with Reiko. After harassment from Stedanko and Muntadee, a nuclear bomb is thrown in the box to kill them. Starman covers Reiko, and the nuclear explosion destroys the box they are in, but not much else. The rest of the lab is fine. In fact, this was the weakest nuclear bomb in the history of the universe. Nuclear bombs that are duds do more damage. Reiko just has soot on her. Starman calmly walks into the next room where the Magolians are packing so they can escape via submarine, and begins another long long long long long long long long fight sequence. This one is notable for a brief underwater excursion. And being the final long long long long long fight sequence. When I recall Starman, I will think of the long long long long long long long fight sequences, since they were the defining point of the movies. And the pain will destroy me.
Finally Starman has defeated all the Magolians one by one. He returns Reiko to the orphanage and gives Okamoro the nuclear device so Okamoro can use it for peace (WHAT?) and then Starman flies home, never to be seen again. THANK THE LORD!! GOODBYE, FARE WELL, AND AMEN! The joy of seeing Starman leave for the last time filled my heart anew with hope for this world! Maybe, one day, we can all be free of Starman.
Rated 2/10 Rubber Snakes of Death!
|SUPAH JAIYANTO (1956) aka: SUPER GIANT 1, THE STEEL GIANT, STEELMAN FROM OUTER SPACE.|
|ZOKU SUPER GIANT (1956) aka: SUPER GIANT 2, FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE STEEL GIANT, RESCUE FROM SPACE|
|KOTETSU NO KYOJIN-KAISEIJIN NO MAJYO (1957) aka: SUPERGIANT 3, INVADERS FROM THE PLANETS, EVIL CASTLE OF STRANGE ALIENS|
|KOTETSU NO KYOJIN-CHIKYU METZUBO SUNZEN (1957) aka: SUPERGIANT 4, THE EARTH ON THE VERGE OF ANNIHILATION, EARTH IN DANGER|
|JINKO EISEN TO JINRUI NO HAMETSU (1958) aka: SUPER GIANT 5, SATELLITES AND DESTRUCTION OF MANKIND, SPACESHIP OF HUMAN DESTRUCTION|
|UCHUTEI TO JINKO EISEN NO KEKITOTSU (1958) aka: SUPERGIANT 6, COLLISION OF THE SPACESHIP AND SATELLITES, DESTRUCTION OF THE SPACE FLEET|
|UCHU KAIJIN SHUTSUGEN (1958) aka: SUPERGIANT 7, SPACEMEN APPEAR, SPACE MONSTER APPEARS|
|AKUMA NO KESHIIN (1959) aka: SUPERGIANT 8, DEVIL INCARNATE, DEVIL INCARNATED|
|DOKUGA OKOKU(1959) aka: SUPERGIANT 9, KINGDOM OF THE VENOMOUS MOTH, KINGDOM OF POISON MOTH|
|Starman Attack From Space|
|Starman Evil Brain From Space|
|Starman Invaders From Space|
|Starman Atomic Rulers|
Please give feedback below!