Protege De La Rose Noire (Review)
Protege De La Rose Noire
The TWINS! Hong Kong pop stars Gillian Chung and Charlene Choi star in their second vehicle movie, partially directed by Donnie Yen. It’s campy eye candy.
After funky Flash style credits, we see Gillian has graduated from Psychology school, but wants to stay on taking classes. The Counselor rejects her request, and sites her “Early Psychosis of the Gifted” that has allowed her to graduate early. He then says her full name, Gillian Lu, which drives her crazy and she beats the crap out of him (I believe because her last name means “old” but I may be wrong). Cut to scenes on a spaceship, as Space Alien Puccas (or Space Teletubbies) send Charlene to Earth, who is now staying in a halfway house for pregnant women, despite not being pregnant. They send her out, and she goes apartment shopping. The one she looks at is run down and a mess, but it happens to be the apartment where Gillian grew up. Gillian returns at that moment to find out her mother married while she was at school and ran off with all her stuff. Neither her or Charlene end up taking the place, and are out walking when they run across a flyer advertising work for a girl, and they fight over it.
In a taxi ride to the address listed on the flyer, the girls share the ride there, but the cab driver starts being noisy. His name is Jim Lo, but the girls call him J-Lo as a joke. J-Lo takes them to the mansion listed, but the girls don’t have enough to pay him, so he does it on credit. Inside, the mansion seems empty, but then nooses drop from the ceiling and grab the girls, hanging them together on two sides of a plank. They try working together to escape, but it is no use and they are about to die, when a woman appears and takes them down. She is Rose, and she explains that they have been picked as successors of Rose. They are strapped in a chair, put on a rollercoaster ride, and trapped in a room in the middle of the house. They cannot get out, and call the police, who do not believe them. They then call J-Lo, but he is busy taking a pregnant lady to the hospital, and picking up an ever increasing band of wacky injured people. He tries to rescue them later, and spends all night trying to get in but can’t, and the girls tell him to forget it.
Rose then reappears and begins to train the Twins, she is planning to use them to catch notorious criminal Ms. Lavencan, who runs a gang of females who are terrorizing the city. They get costumes, are squished with corsets to improve their figures (Which is NOT necessary), and are introduced to a robot named Jacket who slices at anything resembling male members. Then the girls take a bath together. Yeah, I’ll just sit back a minute and envision that for a while….. Eventually J-Lo pops up through the floor having just tunneled under the house. The girls hide him from Rose and Jacket. When they leave, he looks for some new clothes and finds a Robin costume to dress in (yes, Robin from Batman). But Jacket soon finds him, and tries to de-manify Robin (being dressed as Robin should be enough to make him not a man anymore, but try reasoning with robots). Rose sees him then, and believes he is her former lover, Robin (yes, the Batman’s Robin, who worked for her tending roses when Batman couldn’t afford him anymore). Yes, Rose is somewhat insane. Jim Lo gets put to work picking roses, but tries to go home, until Charlene wants him to stay, though Rose then shows up with a knife threatening to kill him, and Charlene, and then Gillian. Then Rose shifts from Crazy Rose to Less-Crazy Rose and goes to make medicine for Jim Lo, who is hurt, and she now calls him Jacky, which is the real name of her former lover. This whole device was just to show us some magic sugar, that if one person takes on type, they can broadcast whatever they say out of the mouth of a person who has taken the other type, which will be important later.
The Twins, J-Lo, and Rose dress up in their superhero outfits and go out to fight crime, which consists of sitting in a Chinese restaurant. But the restaurant is just a front, and some gangsters start fighting in the next room, do to some fighting powder spread by Ms LavenCan. The Twins manage to also breathe in the powder and start fighting, and managed to get knocked out in the brawl. Then Ms LavenCan and her gang shows up, including a Nunchucks welding schoolgirl who is really hot and played by Donnie Yen’s sister, Chris Yen Chi Ching. There is also a supermodel girl with guns. Rose criticizes their entrancing technique, then beats up most of them, and escapes with unconscious Gillian, J-Lo having already escaped with unconscious Charlene.
Later back at the mansion, Rose explains to Gillian that Ms. LavenCan was her former apprentice who went evil. This is explained in song form, to the tune of Silent Night, as the movie takes a turn from campy to ridiculous. The Twins agree to help Rose, and begin hardcore training, which is shown as scenes that take off of old Jackie Chan movies where Jackie did the training techniques, and also presented in a form that resembles a behind the scenes documentary. The whole sequence is pretty well done. But a millionaire is threatened with kidnapping by Ms. LavenCan and her gang. Ms. LavenCan chases him through a parking garage, but then the Twins appear, and save him. Then a Media montage of the Twins performing good deeds and making headlines goes by. But Ms. LavenCan is not pleased. While the Twins are out with J-Lo, Ms. LavenCan and her female goons invade Rose’s mansion and take her hostage.
The Twins and J-Lo enter through J-Lo’s tunnel, but the gang is waiting for them there. And the action begins, including a long fight with the schoolgirl (YES!) After all the subordinates are taken care of, Ms. LavenCan shows up, begins kicking butt, and is wailing pretty heavily on Gillian, do to some drugs she is taking during the fight. Charlene uses her magic alien powers to send one part of the magic sugar into Ms.LavenCan’s mouth, and the other part into Charlene’s own mouth. Then Charlene starts yelling Gillian’s full name, which makes Gillian go Bedlam and start wiping the floor with Ms. LavenCan, and then begins spanking her, and spanks her for a long, long time. Seriously, Gillian spanks her for a long time. The day is then saved, the Twins become the new Roses, and Rose goes to look for her husband Jacky. Then the cast waves goodbye to us as the movie ends and bloopers play. It’s nice to see a movie that is still polite enough to wish you good luck these days. Most movies are more of a “spit on your defiled corpse” type nowadays. Anyway, if you want a camp camp camp movie or are Twins obsessed, then you will love this movie. If you want a semi-serious action film, this is not your bag.
Rated 8/10 random chicken images from the movie of campy goodness
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