The Vengeance of She

1968

Barbarian fantasy movie fever was sweeping the country. Okay, maybe not, but enough of a fan bases existed that someone green lighted this. Meant as a sequel to the Ursula Andress movie She, this film instead bores you for 100 minutes then fills you with a sense of regret for how some of your fleeting life frittered away stolen by a cinematic waste of celluloid. Opens with Our Heroine, She, aka Carol, and eventually aka Ayesha, wandering around a deserted highway somewhere that looks like Greece or Turkey. After a few second of weirdly eerie noises, the “Ballad of She” starts harping out it’s tune of yeech. Finally the credits end and Carol gets picked up by a dirty looking Truck Driver, who decides that it’s rapin’ time! and tries to do the deed with Our Heroine, who runs, and eventually the dirty guy gets ran over by his own truck. A very upbeat beginning.

Now we cut to George, who is hosting a party on his yacht. But Carol is having visions and begins wading out into the ocean in just a bra and panties, and climbs aboard the boat. George and his wife take Carol in, and put her to sleep below deck. While asleep, she has another dream where vaguely Arab looking guys start calling her “Ayesha” and she wakes up calling the name Ayesha. When she wakes up, she talks to Dr. Philip Smith (or Dr. Phil as he will be referred to from now on), a Psychiatrist, about what is happening, and he says some mumbo-jumbo. Eventually the yacht sets sail, but it is in the opposite direction from where Carol is wandering, so she goes into zombie mode and jumps overboard to swim back. George jumps in to save her, does so, but then has a heart attack and dies. The boat stops at the next port, and Carol runs off and meets some random guy. Dr. Phil is worried, since if she’s gone he has no chance of getting some, so he prepares to go find her, and is joined by his friend, Target (or whatever his name is, Harry or something, it’s not important since he won’t be around long).

Hey, wait, now we are in the lost city of KUMA, home of King Killikrates and some freaky dudes in robes. The freaky dudes in robes kick out their leader Za-Tor, who must come from Eternia to have a name like that, and start praying to a demon to get their bidding done. King Killawhatzit goes along with this since he wants his beloved Ayesha back, and thinks Carol is her reincarnation. The new head of the freaky dudes prays for “Fire, Earth, and Water…go forth and destroy him” and kill a girl with a sword on a rope (handy for prison washrooms).

The wind kills the random guy Carol is with so she wanders alone. She then goes into the desert, and gets captured by some Arabs and sold as a slave to another Arab (OMG White Slavery!). Dr. Phil and Harry/Target go into the desert on a Jeep, and attack the guy who sold Carol into slavery, who is on a horse. This is probably supposed to mean something about man vs. machine or something but just ends up looking stupid, especially since they beat the guy but still run the jeep off of a cliff. But the new owner of Carol is hip to the happenings, and kills Harry, and tries to kill Dr. Phil. But Dr. Phil, in an amazing example of Dr. Phil not being a total wuss, actually kills the Arab and joins Carol in wandering the desert. Where was Carol during the struggle? Being useless, of course!

Eventually Carol and Dr. Phil come across a door with a giant golden Ayesha above it, where the Evil Head Priest of the freaky dudes Men-Hari awaits. Carol has reached the lost city of KUMA! Carol is carted off, while Dr. Phil is delegated into a small room and the door locked. Carol gets to meet King Killawhatzit, and Men-Hari tells the story of Ayesha, who was “She who must be obeyed” (Something to do with being Voldermort’s cousin I’d wager). Ayesha made King Killawhatzit immortal, but had to die to do it, and they awaited her rebirth, which is now in Carol, who is to be made immortal as well. But Za-Tor tells Dr. Phil that this is all a sham, and Men-Hari just wants to be immortal himself. Dr. Phil tries to tell Carol, but Carol rejects him and says she is Ayesha.

On the night Carol is set to permanently become Ayesha, King Killawhatzit’s former girl lets Dr. Phil out so he can stop what is going on so she can have Killiwhatzit back for herself. And Za-Tor begins a resistance movement among the Kuma slaves. After some junk about a star’s light touching some rocks and starting an eternal flame, it’s Immortality Time! But as Carol/Ayesha goes to walk through the flame, Dr. Phil starts his Psychologist mumbo-jumbo and brings her back. Men-Hari is discovered to have tricked her into believing she was Ayesha as part of a plan to become immortal himself. But Man-Hari kills Za-Tor, and is then killed by palace guards. Killawhatzit jumps into the flames, grows old and dies, so he doesn’t have to live forever anymore.

Suddenly a Shock Ending! Za-Tor isn’t quite dead, wakes up, and says goodbye to Man-Hari, who is revealed to be his SON! Then he begs for the Light Powers to destroy the city, and then dies again, for good this time. And the Light Powers hop right to it and begin ripping Kuma a new one. Amazingly enough, only Dr. Phil and Carol are smart enough to leave the city when the city is being torn apart. And together they walk off into the sunset to saxophone music.

In some final complaints, every time some idiot in this movie says “Kuma” it sounds just like “Puma” which is really distracting. Add that with no nudity despite the fact the film was created entirely to have Olinka Berova run around in shirts slit down to her belly button, and you get a film that has zero redeeming qualities. Nothing. There isn’t anything good about this film at all. Nothing memorable, it is bland horrible film making.

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