Female Vampire

aka Les Avaleuses
1973
Starring
Lina Romay as Countess Irina Karlstein
Jack Taylor as Baron Von Rathony aka Lando
Anna Watican as Journalist
Jess Franco as Dr. Roberts
Directed by Jess Franco (as J.P. Johnson)

This Gem from Director Jess Franco is non-stop naked vampire action. Well, there is little action, but the naked vampire doesn’t stop. The most clothing the female lead wears is a dress that looks as if it were made out of a doily. There are about 8000000 different versions of this film running around, so I’m not even sure which version I watched, though the DVD claimed it was the Director’s Cut.

Opens with a woman walking in the woods. She is completely naked except for cape and belt. And the camera focuses on it all (though some of it is out of focus, a problem that plagues this movie like the locusts in Biblical Egypt). She is Vampire Countess Irina, who isn’t a traditional vampire as she is wandering around in the day and has reflections. But this particular day she is wandering in the woods and comes across a farmer who appears to be raising peacocks. The farmer must have spent all his cool points in a previous life, since he looks like Lord High Dork God. Anyway, it’s good enough for Countess, who starts going down on him immediately. He likes it until suddenly he cries out in pain loudly. So loudly it is heard far away from some ultra-seventies Eurotrash guy who looks like a strung out evil Will Ferrell. The dubbing identifies him as Lando or something similar, despite that name not appearing on the IMDB list of casts, and i think it is supposed to be the Baron Von Rathony character. But I will call him Lando non-the less, since the world needs more Landos.

Following that, we get narrations that zigzag back and forth between Lando and Countess, all set to piano music that sounds like it belongs in a Peanuts cartoon. Countess has changed into her doily-dress, and Lando is shaving in the buff, so we are treated to Lil’ Lando. A Journalist Lady talks to Countess and interviews her in a scene designed to explain the entire back story. Countess is mute, and is the last of a line of cursed royals that became cursed when an ancestor killed some people. The Journalist Lady is annoying, like all Journalists, and becomes marked by her contact with Countess and will become obsessed with her. Then Countess sprawls around naked for a while, while her leather-skinned man-servant looks on.

A Coroner who looks like that weird uncle you avoid at family reunions mixed with Paul Rueben’s mugshots pictures tells a Police Inspector that a vampire killed the Dorkish Farmer by sucking out his semen at orgasm. They must have some of those CSI type tools there in random Italian island. The Coroner is also the director of the movie. So now we have a face for this mess. But enough of plot or actor connections, it’s time for MORE NUDITY AND SEX!!! Really Really GRAPHIC SEX!!!

Creepy Coroner talks to another even creepier looking guy named Dr. Orloff (like the movies also directed by this director, but not the same character as far as I can tell). This creepier looking guy is looking for evil for some reason or another. Then we cut back to Lando, who now looks like a porn star version of Jeff Daniels. He is still not connected to the movie in anyway except by hearing some action at a distance. Journalist Lady is tripping out and strips down at her place, and has visions of the Countess, which causes her to masturbate. Only it isn’t really the Countess, so she collapses, until…The Real Countess shows up, and the lesbian sex can begin! After a long time, Journalist lady has an orgasm and appears to die like the men before her (and Countess keeps working on her for five more minutes despite her being non-responsive.) But Journalist Lady has instead become another vampire who follows Countess around as she stalks naked in the wood. Journalist Lady sports boots and not much else. Countess returns home to have sex with a bedpost and a pillow.

Creepy Coroner talks to the inspector again, but nothing happens. Apparently this was the attempt at a plot. Then we get more Peanuts music and Lando narrates some more, and finally sees the Countess and becomes connected to the rest of the movie. He’s fashionably dressed as a gay-pirate-Han Solo, and the dubbing makes him sound like a drunken Italian boxer, so he starts hitting on her and it begins working. But Countess has to go meet some weird chess playing women, one of who ties her up and starts whipping Countess. Then the other woman starts to whip the first girl, and her and the Countess strip the other girl down and begin the sexing. It would be erotic if she wasn’t hideous.

Now we jump to Lando and the Countess walking, with him still in his horrible get up. He narrates something that is supposed to come off as romantic but is just sleazy instead. They kiss, she runs, he chases, they kiss again, and start going at it. But then she runs again. Then they walk off together. Jump to Creepy Coroner, who is examining the body of the ugly dead whipping chess woman with Dr. Orloff, which is just an excuse for Dr. Orloff to stuff his hand in the girl’s nether regions. This convinces him it is a vampire and it is the Countess.

Countess and Lando go to the house where Countess’s ancestor killed people and caused her curse to begin. Lando is still going strong with his drunken Italian accent dubbing. It is seriously some of the worse dubbing I’ve ever heard. They have sex, it is long, and drawn out, and entirely not erotic in the slightest. Dr. Orloff then talks to Countess.

Countess is bathing in blood later, when Creepy Coroner wants to speak with her, but can’t because of her leather-skinned man-servant. But he sneaks in anyway, and beats down the man-servant and then spies on her in the bath. He stares and does nothing, then Countess is back to walking in the woods, and the movie is over. There was no climax. None. Zero. Nothing happened. It may have been just this version’s cut, but it just stopped.

Rated 2/10