Blood Surf (Review)
|Dax Miller as Bog Hall|
|Tara Reif as Arti|
|Joel West as Jeremy|
|Maureen Larrazabal as Lemmya|
|Kate Fischer as Cecily|
You all remember the time when all the crazy kids were Blood Surfing, it was the biggest rage this side of Sidehacking. Or maybe not. But the fools in this movie do it, and I will venture to say this is the greatest Blood Surfing movie of all time! It opens in a plane full of doofuses who are getting psyched up to try Blood Surfing at some remote island known for surfing. Blood Surfing is when you cut your feet and then go surfing, trailing blood, and attracting sharks behind you. A documentary is planned on the blood surfing exploits of Bog (yes, Bog) and Jeremy, with camera lady Cecily and slimy producer Zack Jardine. Cecily is dating Jardine, but Bog has an interest in her. Jeremy, however, is your typical “Whoa, gnarly, totally awesome!” extreme sporter stereotype, while Bog is surf-obsessed who lives, breathes, and craps while surfing.
They are headed to shark rich waters by an even remoter island, so they contact local man John Dirks and his girl Arti, who is in this movie entirely to be naked constantly, which is not a bad thing. John Dirks at firsts refuses to go, but then relents and accepts the job. He is the mysterious Captain Ahab type character. And then a local family is also involved in the sailing, but mainly just so they can have a hot native girl daughter, Lemmya, who gets attracted to Jeremy. The group heads out to the Shark Zone, despite Captain Dirks being plagues by visions of swimming people being devoured by something in the water and screaming. Chum is thrown in to attract the sharks, then Bog and Jeremy suit up, slit their feet, and get to Blood Surfing! It is so awesome, no wonder it was such a rage with so many people, like that guy who yells out random things at the Bus Depot, and the country of Vanuatu. As our heroes surf among CG shark fins and underwater shots with sharks added in digitally. As the surfing continues, suddenly a shark is eaten by something gigantic that throws water in the air like an explosion, and blood fills the ocean. Our Surfing Heroes wisely call it a day.
The crew goes to the island nearby, and Jeremy and Lemmya go off to get it on, much to the audiences’ joy. But, while the possible creation of life is happening, life is also being taken away, as Lemmya’s parents are eaten by something in the water and their boat smashed. Lemmya never finds out, as she goes to wash off during post-coital bliss but is devoured herself, having served her purpose as gratuitous nudity. Our Heroes go back to the boat, but it is gone. They go in to get the camera, but then are attacked underwater by whatever it is that killed the other people, so they run back on the island, but then…..PIRATES!!!! Yes, Pirates.
The pirates take Our Heroes hostage and get them on their boat. Producer Jardine is willing to sell his out his girl Cecily to the pirates for sex, but the pirate who’s dream was to have sex with a white woman instead gets eaten by a giant crocodile, who leaps out of the water in a move that will baffle movie physics experts for years. And in a movie about surfing with sharks, the villain is a giant crocodile. I bet that came as a surprise, at least if you failed to notice the giant crocodile on the movie box cover, or the movie’s alternate title, Krocodylus. This energizes the rest of Our Heroes into dumping the rest of the pirates into the sea, where they get eaten, except the leader of the pirates who escapes. The boat is shot, and thus catches on fire, and then explodes, because the boat was apparently filled with dynamite and gasoline, at least that must be why it exploded so. Captain Dirks and his girl pick up Our Heroes before the Croc can eat them on his boat, but he wants a rematch with the Croc for killing his entire passenger manifest on an Adventure Tour. Producer Jardine wants to film the killing, but Dirks denies him. The Captain tries something, but then Jeremy get eaten (no big loss) and then Captain Dirks rams his boat into a coral reefs for some reason having to do with not being able to outrun the croc. Instead they just get stranded off shore of a deserted island with the Croc. Smart move, genius! Jardine panics, and tries to surf away from the wreck, but is eaten in a few seconds, much to the joy of the audience and the bane of fans of greasy slime buckets of men. Captain Dirks has rigged the wreck of his boat to explode, but the Croc attacks and eats him from the waste down, so his body stops at his torso and he can’t blow up the boat. The two girls get ashore, but Pirate Captain catches them, and tells Arti that white women like abusive men because he read it on a website, but he gets cut down by a spear trap. The two girls make it to a temple on the island and are safe from the Croc who won’t go near it, despite the gratuitous flashing, or “Croc” teasing as they call it (Grooooaaann…)
Bog has made his way back on the wrecked ship and retrieved the explosives, gets the croc to attack near him, and blows up a wall on it. The Croc falls dead, and Arti gets ticked off and starts beating the dead Croc while swearing like a drunk sailor, but then….PRANKED!! That Croc ain’t dead, and has some Arti supper! Bog and Cecily run, and somehow the Croc gets impaled, and Our Heroes live, and we get the Happy Ending. Except for the Audience, which gets a raw deal since some characters made it out alive. And then some totally non-atmospheric Surf Music plays during the closing credits. Thankfully it is finally over, and I can go back to skipping scenes to the nudity, which is the only redeeming parts of the film. Truly, a film of the ages….ages 3-5, which must be the ages of the writers.
Rated 4/10 (floating hat, waving heroes, random monkey, lady reprise)
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