Female Vampire
Female Vampire
aka Les Avaleuses
1973 
Starring
Lina Romay as Countess Irina Karlstein
Jack Taylor as Baron Von Rathony aka Lando
Anna Watican as Journalist
Jess Franco as Dr. Roberts
Directed by Jess Franco (as J.P. Johnson)
This Gem from Director Jess Franco is non-stop naked vampire action. Well, there is little action, but the naked vampire doesn’t stop. The most clothing the female lead wears is a dress that looks as if it were made out of a doily. There are about 8000000 different versions of this film running around, so I’m not even sure which version I watched, though the DVD claimed it was the Director’s Cut.
Opens with a woman walking in the woods. She is completely naked except for cape and belt. And the camera focuses on it all (though some of it is out of focus, a problem that plagues this movie like the locusts in Biblical Egypt). She is Vampire Countess Irina, who isn’t a traditional vampire as she is wandering around in the day and has reflections. But this particular day she is wandering in the woods and comes across a farmer who appears to be raising peacocks. The farmer must have spent all his cool points in a previous life, since he looks like Lord High Dork God. Anyway, it’s good enough for Countess, who starts going down on him immediately. He likes it until suddenly he cries out in pain loudly. So loudly it is heard far away from some ultra-seventies Eurotrash guy who looks like a strung out evil Will Ferrell. The dubbing identifies him as Lando or something similar, despite that name not appearing on the IMDB list of casts, and i think it is supposed to be the Baron Von Rathony character. But I will call him Lando non-the less, since the world needs more Landos.
Read more…
Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Anna Watican, Jack Taylor, Jesus Franco, Lando, Lesbians, Lina Romay, softcore, Unattractive lesbians, vampires
The Magic Serpent
The Magic Serpent
aka Kairyu daikessen
1966
| Hiroki Matsukata as Ikazuki Maru |
| Tomoko Ogawa as Sunate |
| Ryutaro Otomo as Oroki Maru |
| Bin Amatsu as Yuki Daijo |
This Movie seems like it would have it all. Ninjas, Giant monsters, sword fighting. Yet somehow it manages only be average. It has a plot similar to Dune, or 5000 other movies where sons of murdered kings return for revenge. So let’s get Started…
NINJA ATTACK! The movie opens strong as a horde of ninjas attack a castle. The master awakens, but is betrayed by his subject Yuki Daijo and the evil wizard Oroki Maru. Master is killed, but his son Ikazuki Maru is shuttled off on a boat. But Oroki Maru turns into a dragon and gives chase. The Dragon has a very familiar roar, suspiciously like another giant lizard known to attack Tokyo and breathe fire. But let’s not dwell on that and get back to the chase. The Dragon destroys the boat and is about to kill the boy when a bird comes out of nowhere and slices the Dragon, with blood spraying EVERYWHERE! It is quite magnificent. The bird grabs little Ikazuki Maru and flies off. The bird also sounds suspiciously like another flying monster that attacks Tokyo on some regularity, but it is best not to dwell on that, either.
Categories: Bad, Movies Tags: Bin Amatsu, dragons, giant spiders, Hiroki Matsukata, Japan, kaiju, Ryutaro Otomo, Tomoko Ogawa
Blood Surf
Blood Surf
aka Krocodylus
2000
| Dax Miller as Bog Hall |
| Tara Reif as Arti |
| Joel West as Jeremy |
| Maureen Larrazabal as Lemmya |
| Kate Fischer as Cecily |
You all remember the time when all the crazy kids were Blood Surfing, it was the biggest rage this side of Sidehacking. Or maybe not. But the fools in this movie do it, and I will venture to say this is the greatest Blood Surfing movie of all time! It opens in a plane full of doofuses who are getting psyched up to try Blood Surfing at some remote island known for surfing. Blood Surfing is when you cut your feet and then go surfing, trailing blood, and attracting sharks behind you. A documentary is planned on the blood surfing exploits of Bog (yes, Bog) and Jeremy, with camera lady Cecily and slimy producer Zack Jardine. Cecily is dating Jardine, but Bog has an interest in her. Jeremy, however, is your typical “Whoa, gnarly, totally awesome!” extreme sporter stereotype, while Bog is surf-obsessed who lives, breathes, and craps while surfing. Read more…
Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: alligators & crocodiles, Dax Miller, Joel West, Kate Fischer, Maureen Larrazabel, SciFi Channel, Tara Reif
Female Convict Scorpion — Jailhouse 41
Female Convict Scorpion — Jailhouse 41
aka Joshuu Sasori — Dai 41 Zakkyobo
1972
Meiko Kaji — Matsu/Scorpion/Sasori
Fumio Watanabe — Warden Goda
Kayoko Shiraishi — Oba
Yukie Kagawa — Haru
Directed by Shunya Ito
Categories: Bad, Movies Tags: Fumio Watanabe, Kayoko Shiraishi, Meiko Kaji, Scorpion, Shunya Ito, Women in Prison, Women who kick butt, Yukie Kagawa
Catwomen of the Moon
Catwomen of the Moon
1953
| Victor Jory as Kip Reissner |
| Marie Windsor as Helen Salinger |
| Sonny Tufts as Laird Grainger |
| Carol Brewster as Alpha |
From the 1950s comes this harrowing vision of the future. Well, maybe not harrowing. More like terribly inaccurate, misogynist, and low budget.
From the opening with standard 50′s Narrator/Philosopher droning on about man reaching the stars: “Why must we wait…why not now?” we are in for a rocket ride of sci-fi “fun” (shame). The intrepid crew of Moon Rocket 4 wake up on their hammocks as the first people in space. They are all white, but there is an actual woman on board!
| Captain Laird Grainger — Jerk. |
| Kip Reissner — Co-Pilot. In love with… |
| Helen Salinger — Navigator, and an actual woman, loves Kip but is with Laird. |
| Walt Walters — Engineer, mustachioed and wants to make a buck on everything, especially moon souvenirs |
| Doug Smith — Radio Operator, young. |
Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: 1950s SciFi, Carol Brewster, catwomen, giant spiders, Marie Windsor, Sonny Tufts, Victor Jory
